Getting Through The HolidaysMental Health

The Holiday season brings a myriad of emotions and situations for people. Here are few examples that highlight these: 

Celebrating the Holidays with my family has been a long tradition of generous giving. We give gifts to all members of the family. I was unemployed for quite some time and had just begun at another job not so long ago. Some of our family members’ situations also have changed. A couple of my siblings continue to struggle with their finances due to the economic difficulties. My husband and I usually do not talk about our financial situation but the truth is that we can’t afford to spend on gifts. 

Holidays are often perceived as synonymous to gift-giving. Generosity with gifts is a way to convey love, care, and closeness among family members. Changes in financial situation can understandably lead to shifts in gift-giving. Part of the dilemma is the uncomfortability of sharing with other family members about financial situation but to not say anything may lead to awkwardness for most people. People who are not able to give gifts may think, “I don’t want them to think I do not care If I do not give them any gifts.” For some families, perhaps saying a little something about not being able to give gifts can be quite a humbling and intimate experience for  the family. This situation further prompts emphasis on other gestures conveying similar meanings shared through gift-giving.   

My spouse and I have had struggles balancing time between families during the Holidays. Her family lives out of town and both her and her family’s expectations are for us to spend Holidays with them. My wife feels that since my family lives in town, we see them often enough, and that Holidays should be spent more frequently with her family. I get defensive when she brings this up and I feel like my family gets short-changed when it comes to amount of time we spend with them during the Holidays. 

Spending time with families is one of the hallmarks of the Holidays. Couples inevitably create arrangements with schedules and other idiosyncrasies unique to their families. Disagreements about when and how much time to spend with each family can have its souring effect to the Holidays. Spouses’ expectations can be further reinforced by their own families’ expectations. Competitiveness with time spent with each other families adds to the pressure. 

A discussion between spouses about what it means to spend time with family or not be able to see family often is necessary. Sharing each other’s perspectives in a non-blaming or defensive manner can be of help in arriving at some compromise. With appropriateness, discussion with each others’ families may be of further help to each other and can alleviate the pressure of meeting unrealistic family expectations. 

I have had a rough relationship with one of my siblings. We do not see eye- to-eye on a lot of things and have chosen not to deal with each other. Holidays have often been a dreadful time to see each other. The rest of the family is well aware of the situation and have also felt tension during Holiday gatherings.  Typically, either she or I start the conversation which seems to lessen the tension. We never do talk about the past problems, as if nothing happened. 

Holidays can become trying as conflicts persist between siblings. It is an emotional dread to deal with relational problems especially during Holiday festivities. It is not uncommon that family members in conflict may not have spoken to each other for a long time and hope that the conflict will dissipate over time. Failure to properly address and resolve such conflicts perpetuate the situation. In addition, such conflict can affect other family members who are likely to anticipate potential confrontation or altercation. 

Talking about such conflicts can help alleviate the relational problem. This is not solely for the purpose of preparing for the Holidays but rather to better the relationship in general. This depends upon both siblings’ willingness to figure out culprits to the relational problem and work towards a resolution or at least a strategy to maintain a cordial interaction.

Our daughter died during the Holidays a few years ago. I’ve since not wanted to or hesitant to observe the Holidays. We have joined families during the Holidays but have felt guilty of having enjoyed the time. My emotions vary during these times and over the years have coped with these feelings with the support of my spouse and children.

Grief related to a previous loss such as the death of a child that occurred during the Holidays brings inevitable dilemma. Feelings of guilt in response to pleasurable moments are common reactions. Missing her and longing for her to share such time with families are some thoughts. Joining in on the Holiday festivities may also feel like letting go of the grief. Grieving a loss and the manner it is coped with is unique to each individual. Healing is maintained by one’s evolving awareness of  living life with past losses. The presence and support of family can further aid in coping with grief during the Holidays.  Grace Tomas-Tolentino is the founder and Director of Core Therapy Associates, Ltd. located in Schaumburg, IL. She has a private practice focusing on providing psychotherapy to adults and adolescents.

Back to Columnists